Up the Duff
by Newtons1Law
Summary: Gabriel had been preggers before. He'd done it alone before. But he'd never faked his death for a sexy-time-buddy. Because Gabriel is not dead, he's just pregnant and hiding out in TV Land (Pepsi Max Adverts) when he hears his Horn. That signals that its time to come back and fight Metatron. (The fic in which Gabriel's return is NOT a Metatron-induced trick.)


_"__**A first child is your own best foot forward, and how you do cheer those little feet as they strike out. You examine every turn of flesh for precocity, and crow it to the world. But the last one: the baby who trails her scent like a flag of surrender through your life when there will be no more coming after-oh, that' s love by a different name."**_

_― __**Barbara Kingsolver, The Poisonwood Bible**_

Gabriel wasn't dead.

Not really a big surprise considering he was 'The Trickster', but that whole fake death thing had somehow managed to convince most of Heaven's angels that he was pushing up daisies, even his little brother Castiel was included in that mix. Not to mention those two Winchester kiddos had fallen for it as well. But come on! Sure Lucy was powerful and all that, but he was still The Archangel Gabriel! Did he just come off as being a wuss or something? He'd grumble over that, mostly to himself whilst he recuperated in TV Land. That was where he discovered that he'd fucked up again. He was 'up the duff', 'rocking the cradle', preggers, preggo, 'knocked up', had a 'bun in the oven', there was a 'bat in his cave', he was the newest member of the 'pudding club'! All various ways to say that he, Gabriel, was pregnant...yet again. This time it wasn't with an eight-legged horse or anything of the like. He was pregnant with not one, but three Nephilim. God, he was more fucked than fuck itself. Why did it have to be triplets? Heaven just loved to fuck with him...didn't it?

Whatever. It wasn't like he'd hadn't been pregnant before, as strange as that pregnancy may have been, it was the fact that Sam Winchester was the unlucky fool who had taken a swing in his batter's box. It had been an accident, just a steamy and sexy episode that had happened in TV Land during Dr. Sexy MD. That supply closet had been surprising comfortable. Sure it would've been a good idea to have condoms on hand, but he hadn't exactly been thinking clearly at the time. No matter, he'd raised six monstrous kids on his own. Why would triplet Nephilims be any different? There was no way on earth that he would allow anyone to take his sons away from him. Never. He'd rather die for real, than allow such a travesty to happen. Sons, it was strange how he'd begun to think of them as boys, ever since he was made aware of their conception. But it wasn't without meaning, for Gabriel could feel them, he could feel the hums of their individual graces as his vessel's calloused hand ghosted over his abdomen. But due to their partly human heritage, grace wasn't the only thing that he could feel, he could feel their heartbeats. He could feel their little minds forming inside of his own grace. It was mind-numbingly amazing and the powerful archangel reveled in the feeling.

It had been months, years even. Then he heard it, even deep in TV Land, in the midst of a Pepsi Max advertisement no less. The Horn of Gabriel. Something he was named with and yet had never gotten to see, let alone blow. It was being blown, even after the rest of his brothers had fallen from Heaven. His signal was being blown, so he decided to come out of hiding. Angel pregnancies were pretty fucked up, especially when dealing with Nephilim babies. His three little fledglings had been baking for a good twenty-four months and yet he was only the size of a four-months pregnant-with-triplets, human woman. He still had a long ass time to go before his rugrats were born, if they decided to keep to their previous schedule. Still they were pretty hefty, his belly was already stretched enough for him to be unable to blame it on too much candy or beer. It was as if the boys were trying to upstage each other in the growing department. Well, considering that they were his kids, it couldn't be too far from the truth. They probably got the giant factor from Samsquatch. Seriously, the guy was like a behemoth! But anyway, he deemed that he was going to come out of hiding, knocked up or not. He just hadn't expected it to be so hard.

Gabriel's baby brother was really dense.

The Trickster had been giving him subtle hints that he was there for an hour or so. Before finally giving a show the title of 'Casa Erotica 14'. When the trench-coat wearing angel still hadn't gotten the reference, Gabriel seriously considered punching him. Had his little brother even watched his porno the first time around? He made the room hum with grace, even flickered the lights. Still nothing. Really Cas? Gabriel forced the blonde hottie of the screen to stagger drunkenly into the bathroom before he himself made the reveal. Clutching the door frame for support, a cocky-ass grin on his pixilated face. He even had on that horribly cliche black mustache and fluffy white shirt with a red vest spread wide-open. His grin grew even cheekier as he saw the awed and surprised look on Cas' face. The archangel whispered a sultry.

"Hello."

Raising a board-stiff eyebrow as he did so. When no words left Castiel's mouth, the pixilated archangel sighed plaintively and snarked out an irritated. "Remember me, Buck-o?!" That rude remark finally managed to shake his dark-haired angelic baby brother out of his stupor and prompted him to grunt a confused, "Gabriel?" The older brother took the moment to flash his pearly whites and snap at the younger. Ripping off the stupid false mustache as he did so.

"I'm going to take that as a 'yes'."

The pregnant angel snapped his calloused fingers, shutting off the TV as he did so. The motel room was silent after that, it was if Castiel was hoping against hope, praying that something good was going to happen to them after all. The soldier angel lethargically blinked at the TV before looking down and sighing. He slowly turned around, fully expecting it to be another trick. For his brother to still be dead, for everything to still be the way it was only moments before. When he saw Gabriel standing in front of him, sure he looked a little be rough around the edges but it was Gabriel. Before Castiel could say anything, Gabriel spoke in a rarely used, serious tone.

"I need your help, Brother."

The filled-to-the-brim duffel bag that Castiel had placed on his right shoulder, fell heavily to the ground in his shock. The younger angel seemed to be desperately grasping at short straws as he spoke. Voice laden with meaning. It seemed as if the angel was going to say something really personal and mushy for a moment before settling on..."I thought you were dead."

Gabriel snorted loudly, as if such a thing were possible before sputtering out a sarcastic. "Please! You can't take the trick out of The Trickster!" Castiel nodded thoughtfully at that before whispering a curt and hurt-sounding.

"So I assume you faked your own death?"

If Gabriel felt bad about the hurt in his little brother's voice, he didn't express it and simply snarked out, "And I assumed you weren't let into Mensa while I was gone." The archangel shuffled over to the couch, he wasn't exactly as graceful as he normally was, that's what happens when you're carrying around angel-baby weight by the ton. If Castiel noticed the change in his brother, he didn't comment. Though Gabriel really doubted that he noticed. The trench-coat wearing angel could barely tie his own shoes by himself, let alone notice a dramatic change in his long 'dead' big brother. The archangel allowed his calloused thumb to gently brush over his belly and the familiar weight of his babies putting a strain on his vessel's ever-tired back muscles. Once again, Cas ignored the movement and Gabriel seriously wondered if angels could go blind. The gravely voice angel spoke again, commanding his older brother's attention as he did so.

"Where have you been?" Castiel asked and Gabriel quelled the urge to gesture to his burgeoning belly and flip twin 'fuck-you' fingers at his younger brother.

"Oh, you know! Hither with a side of yon." When the archangel saw his little brother's pitiful look of confusion, he almost thought of jumping back inside TV Land, before sighing and snarling out, "I was hiding Captain side-eyes. In the safest place in the universe! No not Heaven...TV Land! Because you and your two stooges had to go and ruin Christmas, didn't cha?" Castiel seemed to blink at him for a moment before grumbling out a rapid, "Sorry."

"Oh, cry me a river! Look, everybody dropped. I stayed hidden, there was nothing that I could do! I did finally watch Downton Abbey. I was fine, at least until your BBF Metatron sent out minions looking for me! Apparently because I'm an Archangel, he thinks I have extra juice! Do you realize what those minions saw when they came to find me, Castiel? They weren't as dense as you! They actually saw was what right in front of them! Don't you realize that you put, not only me at risk, but the lives of my unborn children!"

Gabriel yelled angrily, only to stop in time to see Castiel shocked face, before falling forwards heavily and puking noisily about two feet away from his shoes. Thank you, wonderful unborn Nephilim triplets, for deciding to make him hurl at the most inopportune times. To Gabriel's surprise, his little brother didn't flinch away from the vomit, he merely wrapped an arm around Gabriel's waist and hoisted him back onto the couch. The next thing that the archangel knew, there was a large pair of watery blue eyes staring directly at him in concern and a gentle hand ghosting over his slightly clammy forehead. Gabriel managed to push his little brother's concerned hands away before righting himself and grimacing slightly at the odd-colored vomit.

"I'm fine, Cas. But that was really gross. The triplets don't exactly let my Morning Sickness stay in the morning."

Gabriel let out a nervous chuckle only to find Castiel staring daggers at his brother's protruding belly. The archangel rolled his eyes and snatched up one of his brother's hands, pressing it against the stretched skin of his abdomen. Castiel's eyes widened as he pushed a little harder, feeling the thrumming hum of heartbeats and little graces pressed up against his hand. Then the younger angel's brow furrowed as he felt something in the bodies of those little fledglings, something that shouldn't have been there. The grace was trying to hide their true scent, but Castiel could feel it, he could feel the quarter of tainted blood in their veins. It wasn't much but it made the younger angel leap backwards in surprise. His eyes flicking from his hand, to Gabriel's belly in just a few moments.

"Your fledglings have demon-blood! They aren't just Nephilim!" Castiel exclaimed, the surprise in his voice was deafening and Gabriel just shrugged.

"They get that from their other Daddy."

Castiel blanked for a moment before his eyes widened again and he staggered back up to his feet again. Sam Winchester was their father. Samuel Winchester was their FATHER! What had Gabriel done now!? Castiel was about to voice this, before his big brother interrupted his moment of shock.

"Anyway, the point is that for many reasons. I went into hiding. But then, somebody started playing my song...The Horn of Gabriel. One of Dad's little party favors I never got around to messing with. Metatron dug it up, and started blowing. So, I came out of hiding. He was looking for me, Cas. The other angels just got caught in the sticky web." Gabriel sighed and then continued again at his little brother's muffled, "Why?". God, was Castiel just going to stick to one word answers for the rest of the conversation!?

"Metatron was using it to trap angels! Not unite them!" The violation in Gabriel's voice was clear enough, but Castiel ignored it.

"It wasn't Metatron, it was his second in command, Gadreel." Gabriel had to stifle laughter at his little brother's proclamation. That old ass-hat Gadreel was still around? God, he thought he'd died years ago! "Gadreel? That old chestnut?" Castiel ignored his older brother's laughter and got right to business. Pretending that he didn't glance down at his brother's belly every few moments, just to make sure that the fledglings were alright.

"What do you want from me, Gabriel?"

"Your help Columbo. I'm getting the band back together, we're going on the 'Kill Metatron' tour. And you're looking at the new front man." Gabriel's eyes met his little brother's before the younger's flicked down towards his belly again. That was when the older angel knew, Nephilim or not, demon-blood or not. Castiel would not let any harm come to his nephews. He was too soft inside for that. It brought a grim smile to the archangel's lips.

-TimeSkip-

Castiel got Dean's answering machine for the third time that night, before Gabriel whisked the phone out of his little brother's hands with a very surprised grunt. The older archangel shot a glare in his little brother direction and gestured towards his growing belly with a raised eyebrow. "Ho woah woah! Hands free much?! Both hands on the wheel, I'm carrying three bundles of precious cargo here!" Castiel rolled his eyes as his older brother's tone changed and he flipped the phone over to rest on his ear. He began to finish Castiel's message on the answering machine. "Hey! What's up shorties? Remember me? The guy who died for your sins? No, not the cat with the beard and the sandals...the hot one! Hey, thank you so much for the flowers and condolences. Really meant a lot to the fam. Anyways, your boy-toy and I are on our way to your top-secret hunters hideout..oooooo! Call to discuss." Gabriel rolled his eyes and tossed the cellphone back to his brother with a cheeky-ass grin as usual.

"Those kooky-kids!"

"You've been back for months, what have you seen out there?" Castiel asked, only prompting the older angel to shift in his car-seat and stare out the water-soaked window and into the pouring rain. As if he were really thinking over his answer, something that was pretty rare for the Trickster. "Well, after it was raining winged-men, hallelujah!" There went all Castiel's faith in his big brother's seriousness. However, the angel's voice grew somber as he kept talking. "Uh, you know... badness, biblical genocide. Crowley and Abba-douche, duking it out. Then there's our peeps, scattered like confetti."

"There has been a lot of confusion." Castiel sighed and Gabriel raised his eyebrow as if to say. "Ya think?" Wow, he actually said that, Gabriel managed to continue with a weak and annoyed sigh at his kid-brother. "Most angels aren't like us, Castiel. They can't handle this whole free-will thing. They're sheep, drones. But us? We're different. We're rebels... one without a 'cause, one with." Castiel turned away from his big brother then, his face shadowed as he spoke words that he scarcely believed in anymore.

"I'm just a soldier."

"Bitch, please. You've been God more often than dad has." Gabriel was quick to protest, laughing in that patronizing way of his. He tugged a cherry lollipop out of his back pocket and popped it in his mouth. He shifted uncomfortably in the irritatingly uncomfortable car seat. His pregnant-ass was already cramped up as hell. Castiel winced at his older brother's mention of the time when he considered himself God. He laughed, more like chuckled, hoarsely as he focused keenly on the icy and rainy road. "Yeah. Look how that worked out." Gabriel was annoyed at his little brother's narrow-mindedness but didn't express it, merely adjusted the stick of the lollipop in his mouth and rolled his eyes to the Heavens, as in turmoil as they were.

"Well, go ahead. Be a soldier all you want. I'm gonna need as many as I can find."

The car was plunged into silence after Gabriel's exclamation, only broken as the older angel heard the resigned sigh of his baby brother and the stressed undertones of the younger's gravely voice. "Why are you doing this, Gabriel?" Well, that made the conversation die all the faster. The archangel thought about the question for a moment before speaking, his voice sad and somber for once in his life.

"I always run...From dad, from the family. I don't want to run anymore. I want to do what I was meant to do... lead. I don't want my sons to grow up alone and hated. Not again. I'd rather die than allow them to be lost, alone and ripped away from me, I can't do it again Cas. I just can't." Gabriel cursed the tears that bubbled in his eyes and he swiped them away vigorously as his voice took on a fevered and deeply angered pitch. Castiel looked at his big brother in surprise, the thick feeling in his voice was surprising in general. He hadn't met any of Gabriel's previous children, but he knew of their fates. How their Father had ripped the children away from him. Fenrir was caged in the deepest pits of hell, Hel was forced into hell as well, Narfi and Vali slaughtered each other right in front of Gabriel and Jormungand had been thrown into the deepest, darkest trench in the ocean. He could only imagine how Gabriel had screamed... how he had cried.

"Well, we need a leader. And I'm happy it's gonna be you."

Gabriel spied a Gas-n-Sip through the heavy downpour of rain and his pregnancy-abused bladder was practically screaming at him. It was clear the toll that the Nephilim multiple pregnancy was taking on his male vessel.

"We're a little low on gas, aren't we?" When Castiel sent him a questioning look, Gabriel rolled his eyes. "Look Cas...Baby, I am pregnant with three squirming little creatures that are kicking my bladder every time they move. It has been an hour and a half since I last peed. Pull...the fuck...over, or I will piss on the floor of this car. You get my drift?" Castiel colored slightly and nodded, turning the car into the gas station. Once they were parked, the older angel basically burst from the vehicle and bolted inside, abandoning the slight 'waddle' his belly's medium size forced him into having. Gabriel made a beeline for the toilet and was out only moments later, to spread his arms open wide and gaze at the fattening snacks in desire and joy.

"Ooh, smell that cancer. Delicious!"

But before the archangel could start stuffing himself, he couldn't remember a time when he didn't subsist on lollipops and soda, a strange pickup truck with its high-beams on...slowly pulled into the abandoned and closed gas-station. Gabriel's stomach sank to his knees as he nervously turned to his little brother, pulling his angel blade out of its sheath as he did so.

"Uh... Remember the minions of Metatron I mentioned?" The older angel ran to the door and locked it tightly, before hurrying back to Castiel. Worry was shining in both their eyes and it made Gabriel's stomach sink even lower. "We'll never keep these guys out of here." Gabriel whimpered and was surprised when the ever-timid Castiel pulled out his angel blade and growled out a deep, "I know. So... We fight."

Gabriel was already shaking his head, his right arm curling protectively around his stomach, around his unborn little babies. He seemed to be whispering a silent 'I'm sorry' to them. As he snarled out a broken-sounding, "No. I fight. I lied before. I never watched "Downton Abbey." I was just trying to fit in. Oh, and I do have some archangel juice left. I can hold these boneheads off long enough."

Castiel's eyes narrowed suspiciously as he saw the sacrificial look in his big brother's eyes, the same look he'd been wearing as he went in to fight Lucifer. "Long enough for what?"

"For you to get out of here..."

"No, I'm not leaving you." Damn you, Castiel. Too damn loyal for his own good. Gabriel was trying to give him a way out!

"Yes, you are. Those guys will cut you to ribbons. But I can stall them long enough for you to amscray. And you can take my place." Castiel was confused then, Gabriel just focused on the door and not the babies in his belly or the heavy weight of guilt in his limbs.

"What are you talking about?"

"No..."

"I know you don't want this burden, Castiel. Neither do I. You can't fail again! They'll keep me alive, just to torture me. It'll be fine, Cas." Castiel surged forwards and wrapped his strong arms around his big brother, it was an awkward hug, Gabriel's baby belly was pushing into Castiel's abdomen awkwardly. The younger angel murmured a gentle, "Thank you." Gabriel had to physically force away the tears that burned sharp and painful in his eyes. "Shut up." The older angel growled out, his voice hoarser and gruffer than usual. They pulled away from each other moments after the hug first began and Gabriel buckled down to fight. The younger angel began to hurry towards the door and made to replace his angel-blade inside his trench coat. Only to realize that the hole that had been there before, was mended. Metatron's tricks. Castiel's expression darkened and he lurched back towards his brother.

"Haven't got all day, hotpants." Gabriel sneered comically, but the younger angel just slowly strode towards him. "Was any of this real?" Gabriel looked at him in utter confusion as the blonde-girl-minion of Metatron, smashed open the glass door and climbed through the metal framework. Gabriel threw himself in front of his baby brother to prevent the glass from harming him as he screamed, "Cas, go!" When the angel in question didn't move, Gabriel looked at him with terrified eyes. "So, what...we both die here?" Castiel shook his head slowly, before leaning over and plunging his angel blade right into Gabriel's sternum. The angel's eyes were wide as saucers for a moment before he proceeded puke blood all over his younger brother's white shirt and collapse forwards. Castiel gasped and let the bloody angel blade slip from his grasp in order to catch his falling brother. The older angel was bleeding heavily and Castiel looked stricken.

"The fuck, Cas!" Gabriel slurred as the scent of his freshly spilled blood made Metatron's minions go crazy. The blonde minions who gotten through first was quick dispelled by Castiel, still cradling his wounded brother in his arms. The younger angel was babbling none stop as well. "Sorry, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize. I thought you were one of Metatron's tricks. My coat was torn this morning and now it isn't!" Gabriel rolled his eyes at his little brothers paranoia, his vision was blurring and his lips were stained with blood. He could feel a concerned thrumming coming from the unborn triplets but Gabriel shushed them quick enough. "Sorry for being nice enought to mend your coat. I thought you had enough crap to deal with! I'm so fucking sorry!" The older angel was more than humiliated at having to be carried, bloody and like a baby, out of a Gas-n-Sip. A fucking Gas-n-Sip! But Castiel paid no mind to his big brother's protests as he carried him to the truck and laid him don in the backseat. Pale hands trying to keep pressure on the slowly healing wound.

The world just like fucking with Gabriel, didn't it?


End file.
